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The Conflict Inside My Mind


Just before ripping this page of my diary, I thought of filling it up with some words that could probably signify the internal turmoil inside me. At times, when you feel suffocated of you misfortunes and some misdeeds, which actually shouldn’t be classified as such; but owing to the circumstances, at point where others consider you lucky, though you are not, you have this feeling which I go through at this point of time.


The ambiguity in the definition of being happy and satisfied has probably made this world a lot difficult to live in. Owing to the feeling of jealousness, people do make nasty remarks, and trust me, it hurts. Just because you long to be better and them, and you do, doesn’t make it fair enough reason to be offended. The inheritance of a good family blood doesn’t make a criterion necessary enough to be successful. If you remain fool enough and believe that your family is of superior quality, then you are mistaken my friend.

But of course there is a difference being born talented and talent being acquired. No matter how hard you ought to try, you would always remain a step behind the ones born talented. Your upbringing decides the way, you present yourself today. People say, you can decide what you want to be, but since you cannot change the way you were brought up, you can’t actually present yourself the way people expects. This is really getting frustrating.

The social strata you live in and the strata you belong, if they conflict each other, trust me, you live in a turmoil which vacuums everything out of you. The best thing you can probably do at this point of time is fake yourself. Pretend yourself, to the contentment of yourself and others. Life seems lot more easier, but the moment you realize that fact that what you are doing is a lie. You feel sunken. You feel like trapped between two rocks and water filling up, making you suffocated, you try hard to get out, but the slippery surface don’t allow you to escape. It bruises you, suffocates you and gives you a painful death.

The dictionary is so full of different words; at least enough to partially explain what is inside your mind. I just wrote down whatever came to my mind. And this is probably the best experiment to perform to feel better. Not really sure, what sense did I make, but sure enough I feel light. I had to express it out all, and I did. Probably, this was the least I could do. Just waiting for the sunlight to enter my room, and I will wait for a life that would end my gloom.      
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Amlan Das Amlan Das Author

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